Honouring Grief & the Souls Winter – Breakthroughs or Breakdowns?
As someone who likes supporting others to maintain their purpose and who understands the value of identifying goals, it becomes treacherous terrain when an emotion like grief is being processed.
As a coach I underestimated the expectation I placed on myself to ‘stay motivated’.
A great spirit like Muhammad Ali passing, brings my attention to the enormous courage, determination and heart that is required to transcend ones self-doubts to take the contrary actions that results in having a desired impact on the world.
I believe we all have this greatness within us and I know that I alone act as my biggest obstacle to enacting my life’s purpose.
As someone who likes supporting others to maintain their purpose and who understands the value of identifying goals, it becomes treacherous terrain when an emotion like grief is being processed.
Often I am not aware of a problem until I start observing that my heart is not into what I’ve identified as life goals. Actions and lists become mundane and akin to wallpaper that I look at but don’t really observe. I start to then doubt my integrity or effectiveness, diving like an Olympiad into a spiral of self-pity and hopelessness.
The fact is my soul’s pace and desired pace are out of sync.
‘Wholeheartedness’ is the engine that drives my motivation, spurs joy that acts as the inspiration for strategy and acts as a compass for action steps.
An ‘e-motion’ like grief curling up inside my psyche and heart, caused usually by an outside catalyst (in this case a significant family members death), results in my soul slowing down, pausing for introspection, processing and feeling pain.
It is fantastic that as a society, the majority of us get motivated by breaking through pain barriers physically, and literally run towards these breakthroughs. However, we baulk at moving into emotions like pain and we term these processes as ‘breakdowns’.
At present mid process in grief, my motivation and goal setting are of least interest to me. Getting through life being available for my family and myself are a key achievement. For the record I am not scared.
There is nothing to be afraid of in being present to pain. The pain that seemingly goes nowhere, but arises within and then evaporates into the ether. It is true, these feelings too shall pass – but just like winter, once they pass there is the regeneration of something extraordinary, inspired and beyond our creating. A life force that arises within us and once again vibrancy returns into our purpose.
The pace of processing grief is humbling, often not on our agendas and derails our best made plans. How does one set a goal for getting through grief? How does one project manage it?
I think the real choice is do you choose to feel grief? Do you trust it will pass if you give it space? Will you allocate time in your schedule and prioritise this aspect of yourself? (Most wait until their hearts attack until they do)…
Then as with any other goal choose your key actions. For example, let a few trusted people know of your process and ask them if you can check in with them as needed. Such actions will allow you to truly surrender to this moment of grief and experience wholeheartedly your life today.
Written by Monique Kalmar
Life/ Executive Coach
Psychology Pathways
