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I sat down last night with three other 40+ women each of us who became mothers in our mid-late 30s and once again we went into battle with that anti-heroine who’s well-worn tirade was convincing us we were the unproductive, losers in humanity because we weren’t wearing the supermom mantle with aplomb.

The notion of ‘supermom’ implies being super requires more than being a ‘mom’. New to motherhood (my older boy is now 3 and I’ve another 1.5 year old), I waited until my late 30’s until becoming a mother. What I didn’t realise was that in the last two decades I had developed into a goal-junkie and achiever.

What this 20-30year old Monique didn’t realise prior to motherhood is that the harder I’d drive to achieve, the greater the stick would be to beat myself with in motherhood when I wasn’t doing it anymore.

The insanity for us in our 40’s as mothers of young children is that there are twenty years of messaging on what being ‘productive’ is that we now have to undo before we can claim the freedom required to arrange our lives and be present with our babies authentically. Redefining what ‘best performance’ is for us today (for those cynics this can be inclusive of motherhood and business). I and so many other women I meet are riddled not just with ‘mother-guilt’ but also a pervasive feeling of ‘worker-shame’ where we aren’t as members of a corporation or business meant to occupy thereby rearrange our working lives to include a nurturing role at home whilst occupying a business one.

It is imperative as new mothers that we become conscious of our own drive to stay un-changed by motherhood, so that we can make space for what may be on offer if we leant in. More so our babies can then have the mirroring of feeling valued by present-caregivers and learn to feel healthy self-worth. This makes economic sense as it lends to a future pool of well-adjusted workers who contribute confidently to the economy.

Mum-pruners are being hailed as a new economy and I’m one of them, but I believe it is a reflection for an outdated work-structure that is reluctant to recognise a new breed of women who are creating their own job-description because the old system isn’t adapting fast enough. As a result businesses are losing brilliant entrepreneurial thinking and hard business ethic evidenced by the successes of those new-mothers that have left.
AT WHAT POINT DID BEING REPRODUCTIVE START TO GET SEEN AS UNPRODUCTIVE?

During half-time last night in this battle with our goddess-nemesis I spoke about a beautiful older male friend who described witnessing the pride on a mothers face as she walked side-by-side with her toddler and it made me remember. In this sitting I had my joy and pride in motherhood reflected to me by a 60yr old male and it was in this moment it landed on me that my babies are the best of me. In honoring these boys I am honoring the parts of me that have been waiting to be valued and reflected back to myself.

Why is it today we need courage or others to honor the best of us in the role our biology gives us? Birthing and nurturing aren’t for every woman but lets face it, a lot of us have this calling and it seems the lot of us seem to be contributing to the rather loud voice that says being in this role isn’t worthy enough.

It doesn’t matter to me whether a women is a mother, a businesswoman or both, what matters is that we create false choice for ourselves between these two roles and thereby create enormous stress on living at any moment in any one of those responsibilities. Isn’t that the essence of ‘mother-guilt?’ and the opposite of a positive sisterhood that can successfully take on the ‘boys-club’?

Is the distance between being a businesswoman and being nurturing the greatest example of living in sexism today? Forget men, are we the ones persecuting ourselves in business by thinking being a women is wearing a killer outfit and heels and taking the town by storm whilst we secret away our children?

I see incredible beauty in our babies. They are so precious and inspiring in their openness. We admire the Dalai Lama for the same qualities that these little beings we live with possess (admittedly when they aren’t screaming at 4am in the morning). These infants we spend our time with are the reminder of what world peace looks like vulnerably exposing our desire to be loved and belong. Staying present to them often means feeling loved and regarded in a way that is almost overwhelming and the temptation to go back to a 9-5 role never feels stronger.

Valuing motherhood is to value ‘nurturing’ as a productive force and accept we ourselves are valuable in our essence. What if we as a female collective engaged the culture of our workplace, our decision makers and our HR departments to begin a real shift in consciousness arguing for better motherhood recognition in the workplace? My grandfather marched with Mahatma Gandhi along with thousands of others and it’s in my blood that we as individuals, networks and groups are instrumental in designing economy where our values are reflected in business. Aren’t businesses losing an increasing number of their best talent pool by ignoring this economic reality?

I recognise those that have come before me who in an incredibly adverse environment had to deal with self-expression in business by fighting the male fight and donning the appropriate protective gear. As a result younger generations of women often struggle to find their champions in this all male environment. What I’m calling out for now is that older women and role-models publicly share the sacrifices they bore in their motherhood roles to encourage this change and make the power gained now on boards to effect real change. Let’s mentor  businesswomen not to be tigresses in business but business goddesses.

Goddesses are fierce, furious, benevolent, rich and nurturing. Lets use this as a mantle of our own form of economic spirituality in the 21st century and reclaim now from the power-seat we have in our innate being and carve the full breadth of womanhood in all its glory.

Lets open the doors of our events or working lives to motherhood demands and encourage research into supports for mothers (and for those hands-on fathers) in the workplace. Lets support these women to stay in motherhood whilst designing how they want to do business and maintain their career trajectory instead of regressing our lot into a fit of post-natal depression. I for one am tired of looking at images of African tribal mother/sisterhood whilst I run into yet another isolated mother at mothers group.

Monique Kalmar is an Executive Coach, Public Speaker and Actor whose specialty includes supporting women in work to motherhood transition (and back).

Author: Monique Kalmar

Life / Executive Coach